After Dark

"I have been told I've got a darkish personality a few times.""It's not as if our lives are devided simply into light and dark. There's a shadowy middle ground. Recognizing and understanding the shadows is what a healthy intelligence does. And to acquire a healthy intelligence takes a certain amount of time and effort. don't you think?"...

"I've managed to make something I could maybe call my own world... over time... little by little. And when I'm inside it, to some extent, I feel kind of relieved. But the very fact I felt I had to make such a world probably means that I'm a weak person. that I bruise easily, don't you think?And in the eyes of society at large, that would of mine is a puny little thing. it's like a cardboard house a puff of wind might carry it off somewhere."...

Whatever it is, something is trying to send a sign to this side through a tiny opening in the consiousness. Such an impression comes to us with certainty.Unimpeded by other schemes, this hint of things to come takes time to expand in the new morning light. and we attempt to watch it unobtrusively, with deep concentration. The night has begun to open up at last. There will be time until the next darkness arrives...

Book Column

“Once upon a time, there was a prostitute called Maria.” This first sentence is long enough to explain why this book, drew my attention. “Once upon a time” is how all the best children’s stories begin and “prostitute” is a word for adults. This story begins with this contradiction. And as I read through, I could also relate those contradictions to our lives. I did not want to analyze what the author’s purpose was. However, I would like to start to analyze Maria’s life comparing to myself.
First of all, before I talk about the story, I would like to introduce my favorite author, Paulo Coelho. He is Brazilian author for best-seller books such as , , , and so on. When he published his first book, he was 38 years old. However, what interests me was about his pasts. He first studied the law. Then he found out that law doesn’t fit for him. He started to travel for two years. Then, he succeeded becoming a songwriter back in Brazil. But he was one of anti-social hippy groups called “subversive activist” so that soon later he was imprisoned for a short time by the military dictatorship. If we look for his lyrics, it is very harsh and tough and at the same time, contains deep meanings showing his possibility as a writer. In 1986, he walked the 500-plus mile Road of Santiago de Compostela in northwestern Spain. This journey led him to spiritually awake. I do not believe in certain religion. I just believe that the God exists somewhere and respect every religion. Therefore, I do not feel great about how Paulo writes about his spiritual concepts. However, every living things are connected to each other so I could agree with every incredible line he has wrote in his books. I applied for getting his online daily essays. He questions about lives and we, readers sometimes reply in his blog. Surprisingly, his daily ideas are related to my days. When I was assigned to write a book report, I cannot but decide to report a book of him.
Now, let’s go back to the book . As I stated above in the first line, this book is about a girl called Maria. She was born in a small village in Brazil. She has an attractive look and intelligence letting her to dream to go abroad for the better. However, she ends up working in a brothel on Rue du Berne, the heart of Geneva’s red-light district. Maria who is on a journey to find true love ends up letting her own life to guide herself. She enters a life that leads her down the path of sexual awakenings and almost leads to her self-destruction when she is introduced to all sides of sexual experience. The title, is also a time when a man and a woman truly feels their sexual relationship (as far as I know, it is named as an orgasm). But Maria also realized that the love is above the eleven minutes which means sex cannot happen without love. As I liked about other Paulo’s books, Maria also led me for self-discovery which I can never be able to justify though I read this book about ten times.
As I’ve already mentioned, I could find some incredible lines Paulo has wrote and I underlined it as I was meditating. I would like to mention some of them here.

“The power of beauty: what must the world be like for ugly women? She had some girlfriends who no one ever noticed at parties or who men were never interested in. Incredible though it might seem, these girls placed far greater value on the little love they received, suffered in silence when they were rejected and tried to face the future by looking for other things beyond getting all dressed up for someone else. They were more independent, took more interest in themselves, although, in Maria’s imagination, the world for them must seem unbearable.”

I know I’ve born with privilege. I have many talents. However, I never seem to be satisfied. Sometimes, I sit down and stare at people repenting myself. They look all happy. Why can’t I? However, I just need to aim higher. I cannot stop and satisfy like that. That is why I keep trying and keep dreaming. I have questions to myself just like Maria did. And this paragraph explains both Maria and myself.

“I stood for a long time by the roller coaster, and I noticed that most people get on it in search of excitement, but that once it starts, they are terrified and want the cars to stop.
What do they expect? Having chosen adventure, shouldn’t they be prepared to go the whole way? Or do they think that the intelligent thing to do would be to avoid the ups and downs and spend all their time on a carousel, going round and round on the spot?
At the moment, I’m far too lonely to think about love, but I have to believe that it will happen, that I will find a job and that I am here because I chose this fate. The roller coaster is my life; life is a fast, dizzying game; life is a parachute jump; it’s taking chances, falling over and getting up again; it’s mountaineering; it’s wanting to get to the very top of yourself and to feel angry and dissatisfied when you don’t manage it.”

How perfect line it is! I could not but agree with this all sentence that Maria has written on her diary. Yes, there are ups and downs in life. We have to live with it if we want to have a higher position. I know my bad personality not being able to satisfy anything but I realized I cannot live normally and end up like others. But I realized that it is too complicated to have a certain rule for myself for higher dream enjoying my life at the same time.

“Honor, Dignity, Self-respect. Although, when I think about it, I’ve never had any those things. I didn’t ask to be born, I’ve never found anyone to love me, I’ve always made the wrong decisions.- now I’m letting life decide for me.”

Therefore, once, I had this thought all the time. “Action is enemy of thoughts”. I thought too much. So I decided to take actions this time. I did everything. I did not let myself to get rest and daydream. I was feeling rather great. I worked hard. I’ve dated a lot. However, soon later I found out that I was too exhausted getting illness all over my body and my soul. I was not thinking this time. And I realized it was wrong that way.

“I’m not a body with a soul. I’m a soul that has a visible part called body. All this week, contrary to what one might expect, I have been more conscious of the presence of this soul than usual. It didn’t say anything to me, didn’t criticize more feel sorry for me: it merely watched me.
Today, I realized why this was happening: it’s been such a long time since I thought about love or anything called love. It seems to be running away from me, as if it wasn’t important anymore and didn’t feel welcome. But if I don’t think about love, I will be nothing.”

“All my life, I thought of love as some kind of voluntary enslavement. Well that’s a lie: freedom only exists when love is present. The person who gives him or herself wholly, the person who feels freest, is the person who loves most wholeheartedly. And the person who loves whole heartedly feels free.”

Now, I have come along with the question; BEING FREE to myself. It must feel a bit strange to relate love and freedom. However, as I read through this book tens of times, I have experienced those feelings; being free with love and being free without love. Without love, whether it is my lover, my family, my work, study or myself, I noticed myself feeling suffocated. Freedom only happens with love. I could not run far enough from what holds me down when I tried to get away by just taking actions. It exhausted me.

“Passion makes a person stop eating, sleeping, working, feeling at peace. A lot of people are frightened because, when it appears, it demolishes all the old things it finds in its path.
On one wants their life thrown into chaos. That is why a lot of people keep that threat under control, and are somehow capable of sustaining a house or a structure that is already rotten. They are the engineers of the superseded,
Other people think exactly the opposite: they surrender themselves without a second thought, hoping to find in passion the solutions to all their problems. They make the other people responsible for their happiness. They are either euphoric because something marvelous has happened or depressed because something unexpected has just ruined everything.
Keeping passion at bay or surrendering blindly to it- which of these two attitudes is the least destructive?
I don’t know.”

I always get myself to extreme situation. Either I hold myself too tight or let myself go too far away. It doesn’t seem to be able to find any middle point for me. With all ups and downs, Maria finally gets an excitement of orgasm in the end. She feels free. It could not be comprehensible. However, if we translate the text dynamically, her orgasm, what she calls the freedom, can be translated in many ways. It is a literature and it contains a lot of meanings. Some critics criticized this book saying that a stupid ending motivating sexual excitement by words for curiosity. However I was rather enticed by his metaphors. Besides, I was feeling free having a hope to find a real free in my life in the end.

If someone asks me who I am, I cannot answer but ask him or her to figure out. However, I will keep continue searching for myself although I know that it will take forever. I believe that every single person has their own fate but we fulfill our lives trying to change it. C’est la vie. Ainsi, Carpe diem! (That’s life. So, enjoy!)

When I had nothing to lose, I had everything.
When I stopped being who I am, I found myself…

J.

I heart NY

"Later that night, I got to thinking about fate… that crazy concept… that we’re not really re-sponsible for the course our Lives take.That it’s all predestined, written in the stars.Maybe that explains why, if you live in a city… where you can’t even see the stars…your love life tends to feel a little more ran-dom.And even if our every man, every kiss, every heartache…is preordered from some cosmic catalog… can we still take a wrong step and wander off our own personal Milky Way?I Couldn’t help but wonder… can you make a mistake and miss your fate?if you look at how brilliantly Monet suggest-ed glimpses of sky… and the luscious, tactile quality of the canvas…you can see how he established his fate as one of the true poets of nature…and my personal favorite.""It was official. A new season had begun.Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate.Without them, what Would shape our Lives?Perhaps, if we never veered off course… we wouldn’t fall in love, or have babies, or be who we are.After all, seasons change.So do cities.People come into your Life and people go.But it’s comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart…and, if you’re very Lucky…a plane ride away."

Passion

Passion makes a person stop eating, sleeping, working, feeling at peace. A lot of people are frightened because, when it appears, it demolishes all the old things it finds in its path.On one wants their life thrown into chaos. That is why a lot of people keep that threat under control, and are somehow capable of sustaining a house or a structure that is already rotten. Other people think exactly the opposite: they surrender themselves without a second thought, hoping to find in passion the solutions to all their problems. They make the other people responsible for their happiness. They are either euphoric because something marvelous has happened or depressed because something unexpected has just ruined everything. Keeping passion at bay or surrendering blindly to it- which of these two attitudes is the least destructive?I don’t know.

Rules for Watching Movies ALONE in the theater

-gotta be cheap. early morning discount.
-rather to reserve. sick of asking me back when I say "one plz"
-I don't want to go to the multiplex where couples are doiminating..
-pride for watching documentary film
-watching horror movies, can't scream..so i shake silently..
-There's always seat for one. just watch alone and show off rather than waiting for multiple seats
-whats wrong with taking off my shoes? ive been almost laying down last time.
-id rather go home and eat with my mama.
-put two straws in my pepsi thuogh when ordering.
-gets lonely again after watching every movies in the theater. texting to friends..
-no reply. log on rottentomato then write some reviews.
-specialist? thats nothing.. fall into self-consciousness..
-it took some energy to look cool to friends.. i watched alone cus i had no one to watch with in fact..
-I'm free though.. I'm dem bohemian!

Resume

Jessica Jang (SooHye Jang)

Birth: 1988.8.8
Address: Guanakgu BongChun3dong Deawoo PurgioApt120-2004 zip 151-764
Seoul, South Korea
Phone 8217-712-5290 Email jangsoo12@hotmail.com
Education
Exchange student in Seymour High School Indiana United State 04-05
Graduated Seocho High School in Seoul Korea in 2007
Dongguk University early acceptation for Theatre major in 2007
Currently Dongguk University Translating and Interpreting major
Experience
1994 to 2007 Acting Experience in Korea
(Mostly TV Drama, Musical LesMiserable London original team, Musical the Sound of Music, Commercial etc)
KBS Acting Award 1997 –child acting part
KBS Acting Award 2000- Teen acting part
2004 VANK (Voluntary Agency Network of Korea) cyber diplomat
The Owls: Seymour high school newspaper illustrator and editor in feature section
High school Musical “Annie Get Your Gun” “Christmas Concert” Lighting and Stage Art,
2007 Teaching Assistant in English kindergarten Wonderland for 3months
Teaching Acting Therapy for speech clinic for 3months
College Musical Rent lighting operator
And Lighting Technician for other plays and Musicals for an year at Dongguk Theatre
The Day of Buddha’s coming celebration volunteer for tourist translating
2008 Teaching at Picker Phone English for 5months
UPEACE UN introduction course accomplished
Book Translating for Indomitable Spirit written by Abdul Kalam (the former president of India)
Global Culturist –Creating Korean Maps in worldwide museums- researcher
Cirque du Soleil Alegria Seoul–head translating usher


Language
Korean
Fluent in English
Little of French, Chinese, and Spanish
Knowledge of MS Word, Power Point, Photoshop, Researching etc.

Strengths
Good cultural adaption. Easygoing, Active, Passionate, Hard-working
Good at dancing (modern, ballet, traditional, tap, hip-hop, jazz, salsa)
Play instruments (piano, flute, traditional Korean drum, a bit of guitar)
Acting skill
Languages
Experience in theatre (stage lighting, public service, etc)
Young Age

The Worst Day in My Life, Ever

When the actress Catherine Zeta Jones sang the song called 'All That Jazz', from the movie of the ‘Chicago’, I dreamed that one day I would be on the silver screen showing people what I could do. I started to acting at 6 years old. I can’t remember how I got to know about acting, but I do remember how passionate I was for it. However, even though I was acting on the screen and the stage, I started to turn my interests away from acting. I feel lucky that I started to work at an early age and experienced the reality. There was bigger world waiting for me. But acting just came into my life as if it were my destiny. After all, I got an early acceptance from the Department of Theatre at Dongguk University.
On the day of freshmen orientation, we were just excited to meet new people and our
eyes were shining like stars. But we never expected that there was a dark cloud coming toward us. Our seniors had invited us to come back to school for welcoming ceremony. My classmates and I entered a theater where the ceremony was being held. Sweet music was playing in the theatre and senior students were waiting for us. Then, professors of the Department of Theatre walked in and gave short speeches. But as soon as they walked out of the theatre, the lights were turned off. We started to feel a mysterious and scary mood surrounding us. Soon, the lights came and training for newcomers began. I did not know what was happening. All I could hear was people screaming bad words and telling us to sit straight or not to look back. One by one, we were taken to the back of the stage. It was my turn now. The seniors poured two bottles of soju into big a bowl and ordered me to drink it. Since I had never been drinking before, I covered my nose and drank it at once. Then, they pushed me to the stage, where I had to bow and say my name, my major, what school I was from, who I
am I living with and even give my social security number. I was not supposed to make mistake. However, I could barely stand while I was doing it. I had never heard such bad
words in my life. We also had to attend an after-party, Then, I drank a few more drinks that they offered me, I lost my memory.

I still cannot forgive them for what they did to me. Thus, I studied so hard for a year to change my major. This is because there was nothing for me to learn in the department
of Theatre, and because even the professors winked at the wrong things that were going on. But, I could finally pass the exam for changing my major and made my good grades got me a 70 scholarship. Now, I am relaxed and happy that I have chance to learn what I wanted learn. Even the worst things can be a learning experience that will better prepare us for life. Now I am ready to step forward and meet the challenges of life.

My Brain

full of money and secrets

From ChickLit to ChickFlciks

Many little girls believe that they would be happy if only they could own that adorable pair of pink shoes. Those same little girls grow up to be young women who believe they would be happy if only they could land that perfect career- or designer handbag. But fretting over material things only seems to lead to lead to women’s undoing. After getting what they want, then what? Go out and get more? It’s a perpetual feeling of hunger that can’t be fulfilled.
Desire of this kind sometimes turns into overwhelming loneliness and indefinable anxiety, even while that unsatiated desire finds an outlet in shopping, career advancement or a cute guy. And though women can’t always get they want, they can at least root for the brand of book that features young female heroines trying to “make it” – which loosely translates as having the latest designer clothes, shoes and bags, an amazing job and a wealthy boyfriend who will support their couture habit. But exactly who are the women in these chick lit novels?
The heroines of the stories hardly resemble the feminist heroines in the literature of yesterday. When Carrie Bradshaw, the main character of Candace Bushnell’s book and television series Sex and the City, gets mugged, she begs her mugger to take whatever he wants but to please leave her Manolo Blahnik shoes. Becky Bloomwood, the brainchild of chick lit author Sophie Kinsella, can’t resist the appeal of her out-of-control shopping addiction even when faced with the repeated horror of her credit card bills in the Shopaholic book series. Andrea, the heroine of Lauren Weisberger’s novel The Devil Wears Prada(now a film) bravely sets out to become a journalist by winning favor from her demonic but influential boss at a fashion magazine.
Mainly aimed at women in their 20s and 30s, these novels give an unobstructed view of the lives, loves and worldly desired of fellow young female protagonists. In the genre, consumption prevails as the prime source of pleasure. The old, negative ideas associated with consumption- extravagance, decadence and vanity- have changed to become positive terms. According to these novels, conspicuous consumption is not only legitimate these days, but even stylish; it’s the hip hedonism of young urban women.

THe Middling Point

I saw this girl on TV program called I AM A MODEL.
Thesedays, thiny skiny models are strolling all over the streets. I TRUELY DIDN"T LIKE EM.
I hated people saying GIRLS SUPPOSED TO BE SKINNY and I didn't want to make myself same as others even causing the eating disorder in my body. I exercise and make muscles instead.

But This Girl, HAN impressed me. She's in NYC and she's traveling all oround the world for work.
But if I thought I ENVY HER.. uh-huh, I am wrong. She works, runs, and crawls(?) for work. She doesn't even have time to go restroom! I've heard about REAL NY or Hollywood life before in KimYeonJin's book. What I liked about Han was.. that she was very humble and unique as a Korean model. She didnt blame on Koreans like other no-brain girls. I think she will get on the top someday.. But for some reason, I started to envy her life. that busy life. It was the same feeling when I watched the movie "Chicago"... Feeling dizy and sentimental..

When one model said "After I wandering around this dazzling NYC , I realized the place i belong to is the stage", I thought about myself. Where is my place?..
Stage? Screen? the Chair? the Blackboard? or... the Street? nono... my room?...

Walkin the streets for two hrs listening to my favorite radio FM, DJ LeeMoonSei, I again had time to think...Well, weather I wander or just keep work or do something, I think theres nothing that change. But One thing is that I get used to those feelings.
As I feel dramatically different day by day, I feel myself too psychotic.
I gotta find the middling point...