the Big Leo's Farewell

My grandfather is ill. So I had to come back to Korea. He smiled at me. He was extremely glad to see me. I could feel that. Grandma says he's okay because of me. Being influential for someone else's life feels very special. And she was that special for me...


It was my high school senior year when I first grabbed her book in the bookstore. My star sign is Leo. So this book grabbed my attention. It was an essay book about movies and life. I couldn’t agree so much on every lines of this book. I marked lines with a red pen. I commented, I was communicating with her. Seeing about the author’s information, she was a copywriter of famous movies and columnist at the same time. At the very last page, there was her email address. Without any expectation, I wrote a letter to her. Then we became friends.

Meanwhile she became a representative of the film company and made lots of famous movies in Korea. I did not expect anything to her but she rather found me that I was an actor and tried to persuade to get back to this career, an actor. And at the same time, she waited. We talked a lot through writings. I enjoyed reading her letters which every time motivated me more than anyone. She called herself a ‘Big Leo’ calling me a ‘Baby Leo’.

She said one day “What I cannot do and do not do is totally different. There are too much things that I shouldn’t do these days. And I cannot find the real me, baby Leo…” So I said “Myself can only see my own way. But when someone else is trying to teach me where to go, that is a distracting thing. I’m even lost too now. But tomorrow, I will see it again. my own way… we shouldn’t stop Big Leo.” It was her last comment for me. “That’s my baby. Don’t stop…” I was such a fool. There was no tomorrow for her.

Everyone admired her. Everyone flattered her. Great job, wealth, single but passionate life, celebrity friends, and did what she loved; a movie. Because she was that great outside, what she told me every time was precious for me. She was real to me. But she stopped there. When everything was perfect, she decided to go with all of it on her hands. When there were suicides of actor friends, she was cold. She was mad. I did not notice why she was. Or maybe because it was a cancer that tells me that it was not her will to stop at this peak. She said on her last letter, “I want to win this war. ” She was fighting till the end and she did win. Seeing her friends and fans in the funeral, she maybe was influential for others too. That is a success in one’s life.

Facing too much death of friends, I get used to saying goodbyes. But this time, it is hard to say goodbye.Why is people I love keep leaving, I do not understand a reason. But I have to accept it I realize..

For my friend, and a soulmate, and a great mentor, writing the last letter is all I can do...

J.