HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME

7:30 am, How To Save A Life by the Fray is on the radio.

I am on my cyclon all sweated still with my bandages all over my face. House is tranquil. All my familly is asleep.

It's my birthday!..

I have never had an exciting birthday. At least, people remember just because it's easy to remember. So, I don't really know how to spend an exciting birthday. I don't even eat cakes. So, it's better.

Everyday at about 5:45am. I habitually open up my eyes. I can't help it. Then I start eating at about 6 just because I am starving at this hour. Then I clean up my messes start cycloning just because I cannot walk outside. I'm burning up my calories. At about 8, I turn on my computer everyday to check a bit of loves from my friends. I need an attention. That's definate. I wouldn't even deny if there is a fake email friend who can send me an email every single day to make my day.

I read news, check emails, blogs, then turn the radio on. I start stretching checking up the status of my body shape. After that, I start to work on my report. I study. I read books. Then it's about 12 almost a day is over. Because I don't eat dinner, lunch must be a big feast for me. It doesn't change on special days. It's my day routine. boring and painful. But I'm just getting ready for next minuites.

then I pretend that I had the most exciting days. People like to listen to my fake days. To entertain people, I watch lots of movies and read fictions. Yes, I am a total lier.

But the thing is that I neither want to loose my friends nor want to die in an instant without acheiving anything. I am too greedy to give up any of this.

In my veranda, there was a plant that never had a flower for 3years. I gave up of course. Few days ago, I saw the prettiest violet flower I've never seen in my life. Possibillity. I cannot see it right now. But maybe someday, if I get ready, it will blossom. if I don't give up and keep trying hard.. That's why I am keeping my boring routines although I hate it. I hope my mother can notice this and encourages me a little.

I am yet a larva whose getting ready to fly as a butterfly. Be patient. happy birthday.

J.

When someone gets ugly.

I look outside. It's raining. It's dark and gloomy. I open up the blind. I turn on Demian Rice's blue songs.

I open my closet and took everything out then put it back again. Unfortunately, not much to organize. I look down and take a tissue then start to sweep my hairs. Did I get healthier? There aren't so much hair than before. I have nothing to do now. No, I do have tons of things to do but none of them pleases my swollen face.

I rather feel better on this rainy weather though. Because I might not the only one who cannot go out. I'm like a grumpy princess Fiona.

J.

In Unconcious

I can't remember what happened to me. When I opened up my eyes, nurses were yelling at me to wake me up. They said that I was unconcious for couple of hours.

Now I am in the ward with bandage all over from my face to my shoulder. And it's yet too scary to look at the mirror. I can just feel it with my hands that my face has swallen like a fish.

When I was trying to wake up from anesthesia, I thought I was never gonna be able to alive. The world was banging and surrounding all over me. and I kept falling asleep. At that moment, AeJung , my friend who passed away few years ago by encephaloma, came to me. I couldn't move or talk to her but she just stared at me and said
" You are at least alive.."

then I thought of mom's face, and my lovers' face.

Now I am up. still unconcious of what just happened.
There are so many friends I am missing right now.
especially, him...
J.

Sandstorm

Sometimes, fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over, you play this out like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm isn't something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is YOU. Something inside of you. SO all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn't get in and walk through it, step by step. There's no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverized bones. That's the kind of sandsotrm you need to imagine.

And you really have to make it throughthat violent, metaphysical symbolic storm. No matter how metaphysical or symbolic it might be, make no mistake about it. It will cut thought flesh like a thousand razor blood. You will catch that blood in your hands, your own blood and the blood of others.

And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure. Yes, in fact, weather the stoem is really over or not..But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm is all about.

J.

Despite of...

지구상에 65억 인구가 있고,
There are six billion and five hundred millions of population on the earth.

신이 아무리 전지전능하다지만,

And the God is almighty.

그 많은 사람의 앞날을 미리 알고 정해 놓을리가 없다.

But he wouldn't have plans for every single person.
그런 불필요한 수고를 할 리가 없다.

It would be unnecessary for him.
그래서 나는 운명을 믿지 않는다.

Therefore, I do not believe in destiny.

그럼에도 불구하고

Despite of what I think,
어느순간 그것은 운명이었다고 믿고 싶어질 때가 있다
there are times when I want to just belive that it was meant to be.

지난날을 돌아보며, 그것은 운명이지 않았을까...변명하고 싶어질 때가 있다
There are times when I want to make an excuse that it was a destiny

다른길을 선택할 순간이 얼마나 많았는지 잊어버린채

forgetting how many other choices I could have had in that past moment.
그 순간의 그 인연의 깊이와 무게가 시간이 지날수록 무거워지고
When the depth and weights of that moments are getting deeper and heavier

감당할 수 없을 때

when I cannot handle it anymore

누군가 나의 삶을 송두리째 흔들어 놓았을 때
when someone has totally affected on my life

내가 그 누군가의 인생을 완전히 틀어놓았다고 밖에 할 수 없을 때

when I cannot say but that I have totally afftected on someone else's life.
시간이 지나면 지날수록 선명해지고 중요해지는 순간을 돌아보며

and when I look back the moments that is getting definate and more precious as time goes by
차라리 그런 만남은 운명이었다고 눈돌리고 싶어진다...

I would rather blame on the fate that it was meant to be...

J.

Three Days in Heaven

2+2=5

Stuck at home
Laying down in my bed listening to the Radiohead.

Action is the enemy of thoughts
so I worked days and nights
but now I am sick.

so I rested
and now I am painful with more thoughts.

so I did't eat
and now I am pityful.

so I ate
and I am stuffed.

I did not want to hurt him
and now I am hurt.

Letter that never arrives when I am awaiting,
Chances that never comes when I am ready,
He who is never here when I am lonely,
it's always about plus or minus
there is no equal..

J.