Soulmates

People think soulmate is your perfect fit and that's what everyone wants. But a true soulmate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings to your attention so you can change your life.

A true soulmate is probably the most important person you will ever meet. Because they brings you to your own attention so yu can change your life.

A true soulmate is probably the most important person you will ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with soulmate forever? nah, too painful.

Soulmates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, then, leave.

A soulmates purpose is to shake you ip , tear apart your ego a little bit , show you your obstacles and additions, break down your heart open so new light can get in. make youu so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life then introduce you to spiritual master...
J.

The Game

I guess my mother is right. When I fall in love, I go crazy for it. Do note that the LOVE here is separated into two kinds: love for human and love for non-human. Luckily, I am good at controlling myself.

However, with my nothing-to-love status these days, I was 'unarmed' to any kinds of love. There was no arts in my life. My passion for work disappeared since the work does not require that much of passion. No love for familly. No man. And even no love for myself. Nothing. Then, all of sudden, the exciting game started.

Game. For me, I guess, love was a game. When the object is non-human, it is a loosing game that breaks me down to beg for a one more round. But when the object is human, it is a winning game that cannot be stopped till I intensely call off the game. Here, I am a player. a real player. I pour my soul. Yet I calculate and count. And I circulate my blood to own the object. A real player is never aggressive. They never break down. They are never rejected.

I play this game to be rejected. Then I will know that this is love. Because I never loose game but loose love. And when it happens, I will perhaps stop playing this game....

J.

chance encounters

"In traveling, a companion, in life, compassion’, she repeats, making sure of it. If she had paper and pencil, it wouldn’t surprise me if she wrote it down. “So what does that really mean? In simple terms." I think it over. It takes me a while to gather my thoughts, but she waits patiently. “I think it means,” I say, “that chance encounters are what keep us going. In simple terms.” But I do not understand why we should fight for it. Can't we all just share? I do not like competitions. J.

Empty

It's Only A Paper Moon

It's a Barnum and Bailey world,
Just as phony as it can be,
But it wouldn't be make-believe
If you believed in me.

J.

The moon has been watching the earth very closely and longer than anyone. Perhaps it witnessed every single actions and phenomena of the earth. But it keeps being silent and never mentions anything. It holds the past only onto itself firmly and coldly. There’s no air or even a breeze. A vacuum is very adequate to keep memories without any wounds. Therefore no one can release the moons cold mind. Aomame raised her glass towards the moon.

“Have you slept with anyone recently?” She asked to the moon. No answer.“Do you even have a friend?” She asked again. No answer.“Being way too cool like that,.. doesn’t get tired sometimes?” No answer… 

J.

A New World

I'm leaving for myself...

J.

IF

If every adult start back from the first grade in elementary school,

the world will change.

J.

To realize a dream

Sunflower and People

Strangely, there are more old people than younger ones in the mountains of Korea. Therefore, it is complimentable if a young girl climbs up to the mountain alone. This early morning, I was again walking up to the mountain proudly as always.

No, kick my ass the proud. I actually put on a big floppy cap and walk really fast only looking down. I'm ashamed of my ugly morning face and it is truely dangerous to walk alone in the woods in early morning for a girl. However, it might not be only me who think that way. I found out people who were passing by me never tried to make an eye-contact. Despite all these uncomfortable conditions, those fresh air and a nice breeze pleases me.

When I was walking up to the wooden stairs in mountain as always, I felt a brighter light than the usual. I looked up and there was a pretty yellow sunflower blossoming. It seemed like it was trying to say hello to me. I unconsciously smiled and waved my hand.
What a beautiful summer day! I wanted to say everyone a hello. However, it just stucked right in my throat. Right... I am in KOREA...!

I'm one of people who complain that there is no equivalent of 'Good morning', 'Buenos Diaz', and 'Bon Jour' in Korean. Of course there is a word for Good Morning; 'JoEn AaChim(좋은아침)'. But this is just a literal translation for wetern style of good-morning. It is not only uncomfortable for the listener but the speaker because it doesn't exist in our culture. There is no rule to not to speak it though. But it must be awkward for us; Koreans.

When a beautiful day like this, when someone is trying to start a day with a beautiful greeting to make the others' day, it is shameful that there is no culture like foreign countries. I wondered if it would be a matter of an absence of a culture or a matter of public mind.

I felt more attached to those bright sunflowers that always stay bright and beautiful greeting the sun in the middle of polluted cities than those people who was trying too hard to keep themselves away from polluted people and stay healthy. If there's nothing left on this earth but only people, I wonder what would happen.

J.

What do you know?!

I don't know why they are trying to teach me about the solitude. I don't know if it's a God's will or a out of nowhere coincidence. My familly's all gone for a familly trip without me. I cannot meet anyone until my wounds get better. My friend is telling me all of sudden that solitude will turn into loneliness and that I should stop acting like I am enjoying the solitude and pick up his phone calls.(I cannot talk!) Another friend is gone for a road trip saying he loves solitude but don't want to be lonely.

I like my status! comfortable times alone. right this instant! I really do!And I'm telling you that feeling lonely and solitude is completely different.

Solitude[sol-i-tood, -tyood]: -noun- a state of seclusion or isolation, especially when this is peaceful and pleasant. Loneliness: -noun- the unhappiness that is a feeling where people experience a powerful surge of emptiness and solitude.

I do hate dictionary definations.However, I don't know how those things like quiz shows and dictionarys that have perfect answers pleases me thesedays. A defination of loneliness includes the solitude. i can see that. But make a note of it.

I'm just angry. All I wanted was to focus more on myself and be free. People expect me the best and ask me to slow down. It's not logical. There comes a sacrifies to get something. Perhaps for me, something must be people around me. I keep getting angry. And what I'm keep thinking about is that..
Am I Lonely? or Is This a Solitude?.
J.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME

7:30 am, How To Save A Life by the Fray is on the radio.

I am on my cyclon all sweated still with my bandages all over my face. House is tranquil. All my familly is asleep.

It's my birthday!..

I have never had an exciting birthday. At least, people remember just because it's easy to remember. So, I don't really know how to spend an exciting birthday. I don't even eat cakes. So, it's better.

Everyday at about 5:45am. I habitually open up my eyes. I can't help it. Then I start eating at about 6 just because I am starving at this hour. Then I clean up my messes start cycloning just because I cannot walk outside. I'm burning up my calories. At about 8, I turn on my computer everyday to check a bit of loves from my friends. I need an attention. That's definate. I wouldn't even deny if there is a fake email friend who can send me an email every single day to make my day.

I read news, check emails, blogs, then turn the radio on. I start stretching checking up the status of my body shape. After that, I start to work on my report. I study. I read books. Then it's about 12 almost a day is over. Because I don't eat dinner, lunch must be a big feast for me. It doesn't change on special days. It's my day routine. boring and painful. But I'm just getting ready for next minuites.

then I pretend that I had the most exciting days. People like to listen to my fake days. To entertain people, I watch lots of movies and read fictions. Yes, I am a total lier.

But the thing is that I neither want to loose my friends nor want to die in an instant without acheiving anything. I am too greedy to give up any of this.

In my veranda, there was a plant that never had a flower for 3years. I gave up of course. Few days ago, I saw the prettiest violet flower I've never seen in my life. Possibillity. I cannot see it right now. But maybe someday, if I get ready, it will blossom. if I don't give up and keep trying hard.. That's why I am keeping my boring routines although I hate it. I hope my mother can notice this and encourages me a little.

I am yet a larva whose getting ready to fly as a butterfly. Be patient. happy birthday.

J.

When someone gets ugly.

I look outside. It's raining. It's dark and gloomy. I open up the blind. I turn on Demian Rice's blue songs.

I open my closet and took everything out then put it back again. Unfortunately, not much to organize. I look down and take a tissue then start to sweep my hairs. Did I get healthier? There aren't so much hair than before. I have nothing to do now. No, I do have tons of things to do but none of them pleases my swollen face.

I rather feel better on this rainy weather though. Because I might not the only one who cannot go out. I'm like a grumpy princess Fiona.

J.

In Unconcious

I can't remember what happened to me. When I opened up my eyes, nurses were yelling at me to wake me up. They said that I was unconcious for couple of hours.

Now I am in the ward with bandage all over from my face to my shoulder. And it's yet too scary to look at the mirror. I can just feel it with my hands that my face has swallen like a fish.

When I was trying to wake up from anesthesia, I thought I was never gonna be able to alive. The world was banging and surrounding all over me. and I kept falling asleep. At that moment, AeJung , my friend who passed away few years ago by encephaloma, came to me. I couldn't move or talk to her but she just stared at me and said
" You are at least alive.."

then I thought of mom's face, and my lovers' face.

Now I am up. still unconcious of what just happened.
There are so many friends I am missing right now.
especially, him...
J.

Sandstorm

Sometimes, fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over, you play this out like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm isn't something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is YOU. Something inside of you. SO all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn't get in and walk through it, step by step. There's no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverized bones. That's the kind of sandsotrm you need to imagine.

And you really have to make it throughthat violent, metaphysical symbolic storm. No matter how metaphysical or symbolic it might be, make no mistake about it. It will cut thought flesh like a thousand razor blood. You will catch that blood in your hands, your own blood and the blood of others.

And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure. Yes, in fact, weather the stoem is really over or not..But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm is all about.

J.

Despite of...

지구상에 65억 인구가 있고,
There are six billion and five hundred millions of population on the earth.

신이 아무리 전지전능하다지만,

And the God is almighty.

그 많은 사람의 앞날을 미리 알고 정해 놓을리가 없다.

But he wouldn't have plans for every single person.
그런 불필요한 수고를 할 리가 없다.

It would be unnecessary for him.
그래서 나는 운명을 믿지 않는다.

Therefore, I do not believe in destiny.

그럼에도 불구하고

Despite of what I think,
어느순간 그것은 운명이었다고 믿고 싶어질 때가 있다
there are times when I want to just belive that it was meant to be.

지난날을 돌아보며, 그것은 운명이지 않았을까...변명하고 싶어질 때가 있다
There are times when I want to make an excuse that it was a destiny

다른길을 선택할 순간이 얼마나 많았는지 잊어버린채

forgetting how many other choices I could have had in that past moment.
그 순간의 그 인연의 깊이와 무게가 시간이 지날수록 무거워지고
When the depth and weights of that moments are getting deeper and heavier

감당할 수 없을 때

when I cannot handle it anymore

누군가 나의 삶을 송두리째 흔들어 놓았을 때
when someone has totally affected on my life

내가 그 누군가의 인생을 완전히 틀어놓았다고 밖에 할 수 없을 때

when I cannot say but that I have totally afftected on someone else's life.
시간이 지나면 지날수록 선명해지고 중요해지는 순간을 돌아보며

and when I look back the moments that is getting definate and more precious as time goes by
차라리 그런 만남은 운명이었다고 눈돌리고 싶어진다...

I would rather blame on the fate that it was meant to be...

J.

Three Days in Heaven

2+2=5

Stuck at home
Laying down in my bed listening to the Radiohead.

Action is the enemy of thoughts
so I worked days and nights
but now I am sick.

so I rested
and now I am painful with more thoughts.

so I did't eat
and now I am pityful.

so I ate
and I am stuffed.

I did not want to hurt him
and now I am hurt.

Letter that never arrives when I am awaiting,
Chances that never comes when I am ready,
He who is never here when I am lonely,
it's always about plus or minus
there is no equal..

J.

Fear

If you fear something, it means you have things you don't want to loose. I do not remember where this line came from but it stroked my head this morning. The reason I brought out a deep and dark word “Fear” from the start is simple; TO HAVE NO FEAR.

As I grow up, I realized that I was getting bold. I don’t get scared of fright, height, dark, or bugs anymore. I rather enjoy those things. I love Ghosts or Vampires. I love going to the roof. I like doing dangerous things. However, I fear different things now such as people.

I mentioned before about ragged jeans. It was like a panic disorder when this feeling has come. I could not breathe. I could not raise my head. I could not speak. I just had to go one place I can release myself. And this happened often recently. That is why I had to deeply think of a word “Fear”

When there is nothing to loose, I guess I will finally get rid of my fear. But now, it’s still there and guarding in my door. This morning, when I had a feeling of anger for someone I also felt the same. This guard never lets new comers in. If it does let new comers in, it shows the fake world of me. Not the real one.

I have realized that I want to settle down now. I cannot live with fear anymore. He’s too solid. He rather bugs me too much. So, this is what I want to do tonight; TO FACE WITH FEAR.

I cannot fly without doing this…
J.

Ragged Jeans

“Where are you goin?” No answer. “Mom, where are you going?!” She finally answers “Do I have to report you where I go to every single time? Why? Oh, I know your plan. You just want to stay home if I’m out and you go out if I’m home. Right?” This time, I don’t answer but just wear my ragged jeans then go out quickly. On the way to subway station, I send her a text message. “I was gonna ask you to watch new movie with me about a mother…ha…” She replies. “Ah~ you could’ve explain it first. I missed it!” My mother is like a little girl sometimes. She gets very emotional and sentimental. But that’s what keeps her to breath. I arrive first to the movie theater to check the schedule and calls mom. “Well, I can reserve that movie now and wait for you if you still wish to come, mom.” I ask her with a bit of forgiveness. She says. ”No, no, no, no. I told you before that I have an appointment! You don’t remember, honey?” Now, I’m pissed off. “Remember? Who said not to ask where you go? Who said that she doesn’t want to report every single detail to me? Nevermind. Whatever.” I hang up with anger. As soon as I hang up the phone, this insane old man stares at my jeans and yells at me. “What the hell is wrong with you!?!” I run away from him but feels extreamly bad to cry. Awful start....

 

At least to cheer myself up, I decide to watch a movie alone. But my anger didn’t go away yet. So, I just walk. Walk and walk through the crowd. However, this time, I feel everyone’s stare. Do I have something on my face? What? No way… my ragged jeans?!?

 

First clue, ragged jeans are old-fashioned. Second clue, I have a boodylicious ass. The last clue, because it is out of rules. I’m not a trendy person. I do not care how pretty it might look but my own comfort when I wear a cloth. And when I wear the most comfortable, I look the best. But in this hot and supposed- to-be-happy-day, I cannot stand people’s stare. It is painful. I go straight to the department store and seek for comfortable, trendy and normal clothes. In search of it, I look like a victim in a tv program called .In that program, victims look for a fashionable clothes that doesn't really fits to them but what everyone says gorgeous within limited time. Finally I got the most trendy jeans: skinny jeans along with a only-girl’s box tee saying “All you need is LOVE” and 10cm leather high hills. I run to the toilet change head to toes and wrap up with making a poop hair just like a trendy Japanese girl. Normal. I feel normal now. Feeling like I was stoned, I look totally different now. I look normal.

 

I go through the crowd again. I’m normal. No one really stares at me in a weird way. But on the way home, I’m thinking, “what was I doing?” Was it because of fear? What did I fear then? Then was I rebelling by wearing a ragged jean? Am I not able to express myself in this city? Or am I not able in my mind anymore? Suppose that staring was a torture for rebellion. Am I happy now after the surrender? Being normal..what would be the true meaning of being normal? Or was I acting insane after the yelling of insane old man?

 

Finally, I realize that I regret now. I’m not happy at all. I swear that I will walk again through the crowd with a pride of my ragged jeans.

J.