Ragged Jeans

“Where are you goin?” No answer. “Mom, where are you going?!” She finally answers “Do I have to report you where I go to every single time? Why? Oh, I know your plan. You just want to stay home if I’m out and you go out if I’m home. Right?” This time, I don’t answer but just wear my ragged jeans then go out quickly. On the way to subway station, I send her a text message. “I was gonna ask you to watch new movie with me about a mother…ha…” She replies. “Ah~ you could’ve explain it first. I missed it!” My mother is like a little girl sometimes. She gets very emotional and sentimental. But that’s what keeps her to breath. I arrive first to the movie theater to check the schedule and calls mom. “Well, I can reserve that movie now and wait for you if you still wish to come, mom.” I ask her with a bit of forgiveness. She says. ”No, no, no, no. I told you before that I have an appointment! You don’t remember, honey?” Now, I’m pissed off. “Remember? Who said not to ask where you go? Who said that she doesn’t want to report every single detail to me? Nevermind. Whatever.” I hang up with anger. As soon as I hang up the phone, this insane old man stares at my jeans and yells at me. “What the hell is wrong with you!?!” I run away from him but feels extreamly bad to cry. Awful start....

 

At least to cheer myself up, I decide to watch a movie alone. But my anger didn’t go away yet. So, I just walk. Walk and walk through the crowd. However, this time, I feel everyone’s stare. Do I have something on my face? What? No way… my ragged jeans?!?

 

First clue, ragged jeans are old-fashioned. Second clue, I have a boodylicious ass. The last clue, because it is out of rules. I’m not a trendy person. I do not care how pretty it might look but my own comfort when I wear a cloth. And when I wear the most comfortable, I look the best. But in this hot and supposed- to-be-happy-day, I cannot stand people’s stare. It is painful. I go straight to the department store and seek for comfortable, trendy and normal clothes. In search of it, I look like a victim in a tv program called .In that program, victims look for a fashionable clothes that doesn't really fits to them but what everyone says gorgeous within limited time. Finally I got the most trendy jeans: skinny jeans along with a only-girl’s box tee saying “All you need is LOVE” and 10cm leather high hills. I run to the toilet change head to toes and wrap up with making a poop hair just like a trendy Japanese girl. Normal. I feel normal now. Feeling like I was stoned, I look totally different now. I look normal.

 

I go through the crowd again. I’m normal. No one really stares at me in a weird way. But on the way home, I’m thinking, “what was I doing?” Was it because of fear? What did I fear then? Then was I rebelling by wearing a ragged jean? Am I not able to express myself in this city? Or am I not able in my mind anymore? Suppose that staring was a torture for rebellion. Am I happy now after the surrender? Being normal..what would be the true meaning of being normal? Or was I acting insane after the yelling of insane old man?

 

Finally, I realize that I regret now. I’m not happy at all. I swear that I will walk again through the crowd with a pride of my ragged jeans.

J.

Rainy Thoughts

-When it rains, bitter coffee tastes better than anytime which means that it’s at least good for my mental health.

-The reason I keep watching movies is to remain humane.

-It’s all about ME. I don’t care.

-It’s all about them. I don’t care either.

-I cancelled a date with someone. I thought I should keep my current relationships with my best friends that I already have rather than knowing someone else. And perhaps I’m still waiting for him...

-When I think that I totally know about someone, I know nothing of that person. This drives me crazy.

-I’m too good for everything. But actually I’m good enough for nothing.

-What keeps me alive? I’ve got to deeply think of this.

-If it is love, there isn’t enough love in me.

-I do not like rainy day. It makes me feel down as raindrops fall down.

-But every radio stations play the best music on rainy days.

-Some radio stations don’t know if it is right to play gloomy music or to play bright music.

-Good thing is that on rainy days they are always right.

-Oh, one last thing is that I hate when someone else disturb my rainy thoughts.

J.

The Eye of Udjat

I have to once think of my future at this moment. I know that I've been living only for my future so far. I studied. I worked. I practiced. I learned. And it was all for future.

My friends are dying. At first I had this dumb emotion about death. I did not even go to the funeral. I hated meeting material people at the funeral who was only searching for something other than the death of friend. But now, meeting a death of my muse, the Big Leo, I clearly get the feeling of sadness about death.

Ancient Egyptians were obsessed about the death and after life. They prayed. They suffered for the afterlife. From the national museum's exhibition of Egypt, I've bought this little necklace. I liked this shape the first moment I saw in the dictionary when I was a kid. Its name is the Eye's of Udjat. Long time ago, during the battle against Seth, Horus lost his "eye of the moon", the right eye. The god Toth healed that eye. Later, Horus used that eye to rise from the dead his father Osiride died during the battle. Since then, Egyptians started to believe that the Eye of Horus is the eternal renewal symbol. It came from the fear of death and will to live. Though this symbol did not have a physical power, they believed in eyes of their heart. But I questioned. Why did they care so much about living eternally when they could try the best to live happy at the moment when they are truly alive? I wondered as I was watching the mummies of servants. Were they happy? Wouldn't they be forced to be like that? If there really is an afterlife, would they happy now?

I don't know about others. But for me, I'm starting to realize that trying the best at the present is the real prepare for the future. Enjoy the moment! Seize the day! Why not live happy now when you are expecting to live happy later? Mistakes are taken. Mistakes are mistake. There are always faults both in the present and the future. We will only need a bit of forgiveness and willingness. That's all we need.

But I’m having this necklace anyways. It feels safe Oh, my eyes of heart...

Carpe diem!

J.

thought

What makes human so humane?

the Big Leo's Farewell

My grandfather is ill. So I had to come back to Korea. He smiled at me. He was extremely glad to see me. I could feel that. Grandma says he's okay because of me. Being influential for someone else's life feels very special. And she was that special for me...


It was my high school senior year when I first grabbed her book in the bookstore. My star sign is Leo. So this book grabbed my attention. It was an essay book about movies and life. I couldn’t agree so much on every lines of this book. I marked lines with a red pen. I commented, I was communicating with her. Seeing about the author’s information, she was a copywriter of famous movies and columnist at the same time. At the very last page, there was her email address. Without any expectation, I wrote a letter to her. Then we became friends.

Meanwhile she became a representative of the film company and made lots of famous movies in Korea. I did not expect anything to her but she rather found me that I was an actor and tried to persuade to get back to this career, an actor. And at the same time, she waited. We talked a lot through writings. I enjoyed reading her letters which every time motivated me more than anyone. She called herself a ‘Big Leo’ calling me a ‘Baby Leo’.

She said one day “What I cannot do and do not do is totally different. There are too much things that I shouldn’t do these days. And I cannot find the real me, baby Leo…” So I said “Myself can only see my own way. But when someone else is trying to teach me where to go, that is a distracting thing. I’m even lost too now. But tomorrow, I will see it again. my own way… we shouldn’t stop Big Leo.” It was her last comment for me. “That’s my baby. Don’t stop…” I was such a fool. There was no tomorrow for her.

Everyone admired her. Everyone flattered her. Great job, wealth, single but passionate life, celebrity friends, and did what she loved; a movie. Because she was that great outside, what she told me every time was precious for me. She was real to me. But she stopped there. When everything was perfect, she decided to go with all of it on her hands. When there were suicides of actor friends, she was cold. She was mad. I did not notice why she was. Or maybe because it was a cancer that tells me that it was not her will to stop at this peak. She said on her last letter, “I want to win this war. ” She was fighting till the end and she did win. Seeing her friends and fans in the funeral, she maybe was influential for others too. That is a success in one’s life.

Facing too much death of friends, I get used to saying goodbyes. But this time, it is hard to say goodbye.Why is people I love keep leaving, I do not understand a reason. But I have to accept it I realize..

For my friend, and a soulmate, and a great mentor, writing the last letter is all I can do...

J.