The Truth2

I was just home watching the movie “the Day after Tomorrow”. I’ve seen this movie several times and I haven’t felt this way as I was today. The title got into my mind first of all. “Tomorrow”… Tomorrow could mean just tomorrow. But it also could mean a future. Perhaps it was because I fear it so much.

I always fear tomorrow. It scares me. Perhaps this is the reason why I obsessed so much about the past. And I sometimes obsessed to the horoscope too out of security. But there is no prevention for the future. Just being in the present is the best way for the future. And not trying the best for the present explains why I fear future so much.

I had another thought. What if the dooms day comes? Would I really runaway to him as I was writing to my truth or dare questions? I was wrong. I would stay with my mother. I cannot leave without her. And a love for him, I’ve never expected, is getting colder. I don’t like to love alone. I can’t love alone. He cannot be with me when I am really suffering. I really cannot sure. What do I really want from him? This is one of those reasons I fear future too.

I ; the weirdo, send back a love that comes and cannot be loved from the love I give. And this ongoing game is playing again and again.

The Truth1

One very nice thing you miss in the early morning is this calm and bitter sweet coffee moment. It feels great to have this relaxing time when everyone else is so busy to dress up and rush to their workplace. You are perhaps falling asleep at this time of the day. It felt great to talk with you again. I have missed it very much. You don’t know how much I suffered after I left you. It’d been about a month since then.. But I cannot stop thinking about you.

To be honest, I tried to find other men. I tried to run away from you. I was a fool. You have affected me too much. Things I see, I listen and I feel… Everything reminds me of you. I now listen to rock music especially Radiohead a lot. I’m still reading the book you gave me. And that is good thing I swear.. very nice change in me.

I left you because I wasn’t brave enough to be abandoned by you someday. That is one thing I always fear in relationships. People I was close to always left me first. Even they hurt me. So I always end up leaving them fisrt. But thoughts of you had me to have guts and curiosity.
We still both know very little about each other. We barely talked. I first approached to you just out of curiosity and I assume that you did too. Then, at the right time when I was suffering from mental disease called panic disorder, you saved me. I always shout out loud that I am strong. I act like I am promiscuous. But I was a coward who was always hiding feelings inside and scared to step outside. Then you freed me. One kiss that night became big wings for my heart.

I’m now working harder and studying harder. And it is just to meet you someday. Because I have realized that I should level up myself to have a great man like you. I want to be with you. I do not expect much though. There is certain fate for everyone. Even if this won’t happen, at least having a feeling of love for someone is good for me.

Miss you and love you almost for the first time real in my life.
J to A