The moon has been watching the earth very closely and longer than anyone. Perhaps it witnessed every single actions and phenomena of the earth. But it keeps being silent and never mentions anything. It holds the past only onto itself firmly and coldly. There’s no air or even a breeze. A vacuum is very adequate to keep memories without any wounds. Therefore no one can release the moons cold mind. Aomame raised her glass towards the moon.

“Have you slept with anyone recently?” She asked to the moon. No answer.“Do you even have a friend?” She asked again. No answer.“Being way too cool like that,.. doesn’t get tired sometimes?” No answer… 

J.

A New World

I'm leaving for myself...

J.

IF

If every adult start back from the first grade in elementary school,

the world will change.

J.

To realize a dream

Sunflower and People

Strangely, there are more old people than younger ones in the mountains of Korea. Therefore, it is complimentable if a young girl climbs up to the mountain alone. This early morning, I was again walking up to the mountain proudly as always.

No, kick my ass the proud. I actually put on a big floppy cap and walk really fast only looking down. I'm ashamed of my ugly morning face and it is truely dangerous to walk alone in the woods in early morning for a girl. However, it might not be only me who think that way. I found out people who were passing by me never tried to make an eye-contact. Despite all these uncomfortable conditions, those fresh air and a nice breeze pleases me.

When I was walking up to the wooden stairs in mountain as always, I felt a brighter light than the usual. I looked up and there was a pretty yellow sunflower blossoming. It seemed like it was trying to say hello to me. I unconsciously smiled and waved my hand.
What a beautiful summer day! I wanted to say everyone a hello. However, it just stucked right in my throat. Right... I am in KOREA...!

I'm one of people who complain that there is no equivalent of 'Good morning', 'Buenos Diaz', and 'Bon Jour' in Korean. Of course there is a word for Good Morning; 'JoEn AaChim(좋은아침)'. But this is just a literal translation for wetern style of good-morning. It is not only uncomfortable for the listener but the speaker because it doesn't exist in our culture. There is no rule to not to speak it though. But it must be awkward for us; Koreans.

When a beautiful day like this, when someone is trying to start a day with a beautiful greeting to make the others' day, it is shameful that there is no culture like foreign countries. I wondered if it would be a matter of an absence of a culture or a matter of public mind.

I felt more attached to those bright sunflowers that always stay bright and beautiful greeting the sun in the middle of polluted cities than those people who was trying too hard to keep themselves away from polluted people and stay healthy. If there's nothing left on this earth but only people, I wonder what would happen.

J.

What do you know?!

I don't know why they are trying to teach me about the solitude. I don't know if it's a God's will or a out of nowhere coincidence. My familly's all gone for a familly trip without me. I cannot meet anyone until my wounds get better. My friend is telling me all of sudden that solitude will turn into loneliness and that I should stop acting like I am enjoying the solitude and pick up his phone calls.(I cannot talk!) Another friend is gone for a road trip saying he loves solitude but don't want to be lonely.

I like my status! comfortable times alone. right this instant! I really do!And I'm telling you that feeling lonely and solitude is completely different.

Solitude[sol-i-tood, -tyood]: -noun- a state of seclusion or isolation, especially when this is peaceful and pleasant. Loneliness: -noun- the unhappiness that is a feeling where people experience a powerful surge of emptiness and solitude.

I do hate dictionary definations.However, I don't know how those things like quiz shows and dictionarys that have perfect answers pleases me thesedays. A defination of loneliness includes the solitude. i can see that. But make a note of it.

I'm just angry. All I wanted was to focus more on myself and be free. People expect me the best and ask me to slow down. It's not logical. There comes a sacrifies to get something. Perhaps for me, something must be people around me. I keep getting angry. And what I'm keep thinking about is that..
Am I Lonely? or Is This a Solitude?.
J.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME

7:30 am, How To Save A Life by the Fray is on the radio.

I am on my cyclon all sweated still with my bandages all over my face. House is tranquil. All my familly is asleep.

It's my birthday!..

I have never had an exciting birthday. At least, people remember just because it's easy to remember. So, I don't really know how to spend an exciting birthday. I don't even eat cakes. So, it's better.

Everyday at about 5:45am. I habitually open up my eyes. I can't help it. Then I start eating at about 6 just because I am starving at this hour. Then I clean up my messes start cycloning just because I cannot walk outside. I'm burning up my calories. At about 8, I turn on my computer everyday to check a bit of loves from my friends. I need an attention. That's definate. I wouldn't even deny if there is a fake email friend who can send me an email every single day to make my day.

I read news, check emails, blogs, then turn the radio on. I start stretching checking up the status of my body shape. After that, I start to work on my report. I study. I read books. Then it's about 12 almost a day is over. Because I don't eat dinner, lunch must be a big feast for me. It doesn't change on special days. It's my day routine. boring and painful. But I'm just getting ready for next minuites.

then I pretend that I had the most exciting days. People like to listen to my fake days. To entertain people, I watch lots of movies and read fictions. Yes, I am a total lier.

But the thing is that I neither want to loose my friends nor want to die in an instant without acheiving anything. I am too greedy to give up any of this.

In my veranda, there was a plant that never had a flower for 3years. I gave up of course. Few days ago, I saw the prettiest violet flower I've never seen in my life. Possibillity. I cannot see it right now. But maybe someday, if I get ready, it will blossom. if I don't give up and keep trying hard.. That's why I am keeping my boring routines although I hate it. I hope my mother can notice this and encourages me a little.

I am yet a larva whose getting ready to fly as a butterfly. Be patient. happy birthday.

J.

When someone gets ugly.

I look outside. It's raining. It's dark and gloomy. I open up the blind. I turn on Demian Rice's blue songs.

I open my closet and took everything out then put it back again. Unfortunately, not much to organize. I look down and take a tissue then start to sweep my hairs. Did I get healthier? There aren't so much hair than before. I have nothing to do now. No, I do have tons of things to do but none of them pleases my swollen face.

I rather feel better on this rainy weather though. Because I might not the only one who cannot go out. I'm like a grumpy princess Fiona.

J.

In Unconcious

I can't remember what happened to me. When I opened up my eyes, nurses were yelling at me to wake me up. They said that I was unconcious for couple of hours.

Now I am in the ward with bandage all over from my face to my shoulder. And it's yet too scary to look at the mirror. I can just feel it with my hands that my face has swallen like a fish.

When I was trying to wake up from anesthesia, I thought I was never gonna be able to alive. The world was banging and surrounding all over me. and I kept falling asleep. At that moment, AeJung , my friend who passed away few years ago by encephaloma, came to me. I couldn't move or talk to her but she just stared at me and said
" You are at least alive.."

then I thought of mom's face, and my lovers' face.

Now I am up. still unconcious of what just happened.
There are so many friends I am missing right now.
especially, him...
J.

Sandstorm

Sometimes, fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over, you play this out like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm isn't something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is YOU. Something inside of you. SO all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn't get in and walk through it, step by step. There's no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverized bones. That's the kind of sandsotrm you need to imagine.

And you really have to make it throughthat violent, metaphysical symbolic storm. No matter how metaphysical or symbolic it might be, make no mistake about it. It will cut thought flesh like a thousand razor blood. You will catch that blood in your hands, your own blood and the blood of others.

And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure. Yes, in fact, weather the stoem is really over or not..But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm is all about.

J.

Despite of...

지구상에 65억 인구가 있고,
There are six billion and five hundred millions of population on the earth.

신이 아무리 전지전능하다지만,

And the God is almighty.

그 많은 사람의 앞날을 미리 알고 정해 놓을리가 없다.

But he wouldn't have plans for every single person.
그런 불필요한 수고를 할 리가 없다.

It would be unnecessary for him.
그래서 나는 운명을 믿지 않는다.

Therefore, I do not believe in destiny.

그럼에도 불구하고

Despite of what I think,
어느순간 그것은 운명이었다고 믿고 싶어질 때가 있다
there are times when I want to just belive that it was meant to be.

지난날을 돌아보며, 그것은 운명이지 않았을까...변명하고 싶어질 때가 있다
There are times when I want to make an excuse that it was a destiny

다른길을 선택할 순간이 얼마나 많았는지 잊어버린채

forgetting how many other choices I could have had in that past moment.
그 순간의 그 인연의 깊이와 무게가 시간이 지날수록 무거워지고
When the depth and weights of that moments are getting deeper and heavier

감당할 수 없을 때

when I cannot handle it anymore

누군가 나의 삶을 송두리째 흔들어 놓았을 때
when someone has totally affected on my life

내가 그 누군가의 인생을 완전히 틀어놓았다고 밖에 할 수 없을 때

when I cannot say but that I have totally afftected on someone else's life.
시간이 지나면 지날수록 선명해지고 중요해지는 순간을 돌아보며

and when I look back the moments that is getting definate and more precious as time goes by
차라리 그런 만남은 운명이었다고 눈돌리고 싶어진다...

I would rather blame on the fate that it was meant to be...

J.

Three Days in Heaven

2+2=5

Stuck at home
Laying down in my bed listening to the Radiohead.

Action is the enemy of thoughts
so I worked days and nights
but now I am sick.

so I rested
and now I am painful with more thoughts.

so I did't eat
and now I am pityful.

so I ate
and I am stuffed.

I did not want to hurt him
and now I am hurt.

Letter that never arrives when I am awaiting,
Chances that never comes when I am ready,
He who is never here when I am lonely,
it's always about plus or minus
there is no equal..

J.

Fear

If you fear something, it means you have things you don't want to loose. I do not remember where this line came from but it stroked my head this morning. The reason I brought out a deep and dark word “Fear” from the start is simple; TO HAVE NO FEAR.

As I grow up, I realized that I was getting bold. I don’t get scared of fright, height, dark, or bugs anymore. I rather enjoy those things. I love Ghosts or Vampires. I love going to the roof. I like doing dangerous things. However, I fear different things now such as people.

I mentioned before about ragged jeans. It was like a panic disorder when this feeling has come. I could not breathe. I could not raise my head. I could not speak. I just had to go one place I can release myself. And this happened often recently. That is why I had to deeply think of a word “Fear”

When there is nothing to loose, I guess I will finally get rid of my fear. But now, it’s still there and guarding in my door. This morning, when I had a feeling of anger for someone I also felt the same. This guard never lets new comers in. If it does let new comers in, it shows the fake world of me. Not the real one.

I have realized that I want to settle down now. I cannot live with fear anymore. He’s too solid. He rather bugs me too much. So, this is what I want to do tonight; TO FACE WITH FEAR.

I cannot fly without doing this…
J.

Ragged Jeans

“Where are you goin?” No answer. “Mom, where are you going?!” She finally answers “Do I have to report you where I go to every single time? Why? Oh, I know your plan. You just want to stay home if I’m out and you go out if I’m home. Right?” This time, I don’t answer but just wear my ragged jeans then go out quickly. On the way to subway station, I send her a text message. “I was gonna ask you to watch new movie with me about a mother…ha…” She replies. “Ah~ you could’ve explain it first. I missed it!” My mother is like a little girl sometimes. She gets very emotional and sentimental. But that’s what keeps her to breath. I arrive first to the movie theater to check the schedule and calls mom. “Well, I can reserve that movie now and wait for you if you still wish to come, mom.” I ask her with a bit of forgiveness. She says. ”No, no, no, no. I told you before that I have an appointment! You don’t remember, honey?” Now, I’m pissed off. “Remember? Who said not to ask where you go? Who said that she doesn’t want to report every single detail to me? Nevermind. Whatever.” I hang up with anger. As soon as I hang up the phone, this insane old man stares at my jeans and yells at me. “What the hell is wrong with you!?!” I run away from him but feels extreamly bad to cry. Awful start....

 

At least to cheer myself up, I decide to watch a movie alone. But my anger didn’t go away yet. So, I just walk. Walk and walk through the crowd. However, this time, I feel everyone’s stare. Do I have something on my face? What? No way… my ragged jeans?!?

 

First clue, ragged jeans are old-fashioned. Second clue, I have a boodylicious ass. The last clue, because it is out of rules. I’m not a trendy person. I do not care how pretty it might look but my own comfort when I wear a cloth. And when I wear the most comfortable, I look the best. But in this hot and supposed- to-be-happy-day, I cannot stand people’s stare. It is painful. I go straight to the department store and seek for comfortable, trendy and normal clothes. In search of it, I look like a victim in a tv program called .In that program, victims look for a fashionable clothes that doesn't really fits to them but what everyone says gorgeous within limited time. Finally I got the most trendy jeans: skinny jeans along with a only-girl’s box tee saying “All you need is LOVE” and 10cm leather high hills. I run to the toilet change head to toes and wrap up with making a poop hair just like a trendy Japanese girl. Normal. I feel normal now. Feeling like I was stoned, I look totally different now. I look normal.

 

I go through the crowd again. I’m normal. No one really stares at me in a weird way. But on the way home, I’m thinking, “what was I doing?” Was it because of fear? What did I fear then? Then was I rebelling by wearing a ragged jean? Am I not able to express myself in this city? Or am I not able in my mind anymore? Suppose that staring was a torture for rebellion. Am I happy now after the surrender? Being normal..what would be the true meaning of being normal? Or was I acting insane after the yelling of insane old man?

 

Finally, I realize that I regret now. I’m not happy at all. I swear that I will walk again through the crowd with a pride of my ragged jeans.

J.

Rainy Thoughts

-When it rains, bitter coffee tastes better than anytime which means that it’s at least good for my mental health.

-The reason I keep watching movies is to remain humane.

-It’s all about ME. I don’t care.

-It’s all about them. I don’t care either.

-I cancelled a date with someone. I thought I should keep my current relationships with my best friends that I already have rather than knowing someone else. And perhaps I’m still waiting for him...

-When I think that I totally know about someone, I know nothing of that person. This drives me crazy.

-I’m too good for everything. But actually I’m good enough for nothing.

-What keeps me alive? I’ve got to deeply think of this.

-If it is love, there isn’t enough love in me.

-I do not like rainy day. It makes me feel down as raindrops fall down.

-But every radio stations play the best music on rainy days.

-Some radio stations don’t know if it is right to play gloomy music or to play bright music.

-Good thing is that on rainy days they are always right.

-Oh, one last thing is that I hate when someone else disturb my rainy thoughts.

J.

The Eye of Udjat

I have to once think of my future at this moment. I know that I've been living only for my future so far. I studied. I worked. I practiced. I learned. And it was all for future.

My friends are dying. At first I had this dumb emotion about death. I did not even go to the funeral. I hated meeting material people at the funeral who was only searching for something other than the death of friend. But now, meeting a death of my muse, the Big Leo, I clearly get the feeling of sadness about death.

Ancient Egyptians were obsessed about the death and after life. They prayed. They suffered for the afterlife. From the national museum's exhibition of Egypt, I've bought this little necklace. I liked this shape the first moment I saw in the dictionary when I was a kid. Its name is the Eye's of Udjat. Long time ago, during the battle against Seth, Horus lost his "eye of the moon", the right eye. The god Toth healed that eye. Later, Horus used that eye to rise from the dead his father Osiride died during the battle. Since then, Egyptians started to believe that the Eye of Horus is the eternal renewal symbol. It came from the fear of death and will to live. Though this symbol did not have a physical power, they believed in eyes of their heart. But I questioned. Why did they care so much about living eternally when they could try the best to live happy at the moment when they are truly alive? I wondered as I was watching the mummies of servants. Were they happy? Wouldn't they be forced to be like that? If there really is an afterlife, would they happy now?

I don't know about others. But for me, I'm starting to realize that trying the best at the present is the real prepare for the future. Enjoy the moment! Seize the day! Why not live happy now when you are expecting to live happy later? Mistakes are taken. Mistakes are mistake. There are always faults both in the present and the future. We will only need a bit of forgiveness and willingness. That's all we need.

But I’m having this necklace anyways. It feels safe Oh, my eyes of heart...

Carpe diem!

J.

thought

What makes human so humane?

the Big Leo's Farewell

My grandfather is ill. So I had to come back to Korea. He smiled at me. He was extremely glad to see me. I could feel that. Grandma says he's okay because of me. Being influential for someone else's life feels very special. And she was that special for me...


It was my high school senior year when I first grabbed her book in the bookstore. My star sign is Leo. So this book grabbed my attention. It was an essay book about movies and life. I couldn’t agree so much on every lines of this book. I marked lines with a red pen. I commented, I was communicating with her. Seeing about the author’s information, she was a copywriter of famous movies and columnist at the same time. At the very last page, there was her email address. Without any expectation, I wrote a letter to her. Then we became friends.

Meanwhile she became a representative of the film company and made lots of famous movies in Korea. I did not expect anything to her but she rather found me that I was an actor and tried to persuade to get back to this career, an actor. And at the same time, she waited. We talked a lot through writings. I enjoyed reading her letters which every time motivated me more than anyone. She called herself a ‘Big Leo’ calling me a ‘Baby Leo’.

She said one day “What I cannot do and do not do is totally different. There are too much things that I shouldn’t do these days. And I cannot find the real me, baby Leo…” So I said “Myself can only see my own way. But when someone else is trying to teach me where to go, that is a distracting thing. I’m even lost too now. But tomorrow, I will see it again. my own way… we shouldn’t stop Big Leo.” It was her last comment for me. “That’s my baby. Don’t stop…” I was such a fool. There was no tomorrow for her.

Everyone admired her. Everyone flattered her. Great job, wealth, single but passionate life, celebrity friends, and did what she loved; a movie. Because she was that great outside, what she told me every time was precious for me. She was real to me. But she stopped there. When everything was perfect, she decided to go with all of it on her hands. When there were suicides of actor friends, she was cold. She was mad. I did not notice why she was. Or maybe because it was a cancer that tells me that it was not her will to stop at this peak. She said on her last letter, “I want to win this war. ” She was fighting till the end and she did win. Seeing her friends and fans in the funeral, she maybe was influential for others too. That is a success in one’s life.

Facing too much death of friends, I get used to saying goodbyes. But this time, it is hard to say goodbye.Why is people I love keep leaving, I do not understand a reason. But I have to accept it I realize..

For my friend, and a soulmate, and a great mentor, writing the last letter is all I can do...

J.

Stranger in Reality.

Once I go to the theater, I didn't want to go home when it's finished. I did not like the feelings of came-back-reality. But now, as if the unreality turned out to be the reality, I cannot feel the existence of the present if I ever stop watching movies. Every time I watch movies, or read books thesedays I repent deeply that I have ever denied them on purpose. There's no better meditation than them when I get lost.

My life is perfect now. I have someone in mind as I have wished always. I value that I am a ctually loving someone with my heart. I have a familly who is praying for me everyday. They concern me but trust me. It is perfect. Familly is supposed to have trust in each other and watch over each other. More or less than that is never perfect. Friends? They will understand me if they were ever meant to be true friends. Just like a moonlight boy said, I am meaningful. He still understands me and be with me.

I am here as a stranger. I meet strangers every day and sparkle my eyes to them. I even sparkled my eyes when I was feeling embarrassed because they all laughed at me after the fell-off running the track watching sky and feeling spring breezes insanely. I become a stranger to the other stranger. We become a friend with just a light greeting of hello. I am learning a lot from them. I keep looking for something. I feel satisfied every time I find out something. I don't worry about money. I survive very well like a cockcroach in this coarse environment. No, I am rather living luxuriously. In the morning, birds sings. Wind stroke my cheek gently. Sunshine surrounds me. It is perfect.

Becoming a stranger... This is one of the happiest moment for me. This is the moment when I reborn. This is the moment when I realize that the reality that I was running away from was just a part of the unreality. It is perfect. I do not have to get all tensed in front of known people that I am scared of. Now, I can boldly lead my life by myself.

It is perfect.

Capability

People in different categories are rising as a star thesedays. Athletes are also mainstreaming after the Olympic and uprising new centuries Great Depression in economies. Watching matches on TV, I am thinking, "When would the record stop breaking?"

What is it mean to break the record of 2.1sec, then 2.0sec, then 1.9sec..? Would human be able to finally break the record of 0.0 sec.?

Till which point would they be able to reach up to? How far should they go to stop breaking the record? Will they change the time then? or record? ...

Peterpan's Choice.

I was having a headache. I didn't go. To be honest, I feel bad wasting my morning time for other things than being alone with the cafe. It's the best moment for my days. So why wasting it for others? So, I came down to the Starbucks near my house. Usually, this place is very quiet with full of nice Jazz music and with full of Seoul National Univ. students whose studying quietly alone. But today, it was demn full of language exchanging couples and group study teams. That irritated me. So, there is always my temporary expedient : ipod. Then I had a thought this morning. Why people can't be ALONE? I, to be honest,be treated as a indepent woman. Or some calls it excluded. And my mother calls it make-yourself-in-solitude. It could be tight. I admit that I really am somtimes lonely and perhaps I'm being jealous of those people who are TOGATHER. But the problem is that suppossing that I am in that studygroup, I would still want to get out and go somewhere else that I can be alone.

'Independence' and 'Solitude'. Two similar words never match each other. If someone is independent, he or she is lonely. No, it never makes sense. If someone is lonely, he or she is independent. No way. Then, what about this formula? I am lonely and independent. It does make some sense I guess. Therefore, correlation of indepence and solitude is never direct but only indirect through the concept of 'I'. How about putting 'Share' in this formula? I am sorry but seats are unavailable. So here comes the major issue. The problem was this formula.
There are so many numbers of formula in the universe. But its shape is like an infinite set formula cannot always match each other. Some, like me, cannot find their intersection. They prefer to do things alone. Then where would they belong to?

Last night on the radio, DJ was talking about this two guy who mentioned about not belonging to anywhere so feeling unstable. Then DJ said that two guys headed to the karaoke where they called a surreal world. When people cannot find their place, they tend to escape from the reality. But the problem is that the reality is still waiting for them outside the door of unreality. So, they just have to step into the reality again. Orelse, they become a Peterpan who gave up his growth. Still in the universe, there are thousands of formulas floating around. Among them, there is a big hallway called 'Share'. It belongs to the universe called 'Reality'. And in that universe, there are rooms called 'Unreality'. Rooms are all lined up in the universe just like a convenience stores on the streets of Seoul. And they are named as 'Solitude', 'Myth', 'Fiction' and other metaphysical things.

I am holding a doorhandle of one the room; Unreality. And I am considering if I want to be a forever Peterpan or to grow up some more like others... Wheather the growth might look awful or beautiful.

Andy's sex.

The best way to love is to not to think of love. Some are able to just have sex. Some are able to have sex after they empty their minds. And some fill their mind up with sex not clearing their mind at all. And they think over and over while they have sex. "Is this real me? Am I really doing a sex? This is so weird. I wasn't doing this just 5 minutes ago. And I will not doing this soon, perhaps. What would my mom think? What would other people think while they are doing this?" And this is the first case of people. And the second case of people is this; who relaxes the other and make the other to forget everything.

For Andy, it was a humor.

Andy Warhol and I

This freakin picture makes SO sense with my fist down to his chin, with my thumb upside down to his nose, with my forefinger on his nosehole. And also it makes SO sense wherever I move just like a picture of MonaLisa. I see his tangerine-skin. I see his plastic nerds glasses. And I see his Insanity.

If he were here right in front of me, just like my feeling right now as I am looking at his picture, I would just stare at him without a word. Then I would ask him a question. What did he look through me. I wouldn't ask one question about him. I wonder how crazy man can describe me. And I believe that he was the most honest man though he had a freaky viewpoints about looking at things. He has this freaky looks that seems to be almost able to make things happen. If he wasn't an artist, I think I might be very successful to be a psychic.

Two very famous American President Lincoln and Kennedy was assasinated on the same FRIDAY with their wives. John Wilkes Booth, an assasin of Lincoln, was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, an assasin of Kennedy, was born in 1939. A secretary of Lincoln, Kennedy adviced him not to go to the theater. A secretary of Kennedy, Lincoln adviced him not to go to Dallas. Booth shot Lincoln in the theater then escaped to the warehouse. Oswald shot Kennedy inside the warehouse then escaped to the theater. Two presidents had there replacement whose name was Johnson. Lincoln's Johnson was born in 1808. Kennedy's Johnson was born in 1908.

Andy Warhol was exactly born in August 5th of 1928 then died in Feburary 22nd of 1987. The same birthday; August 5th of the next year, I was born. I will die in Feburary 22nd of 2047.

Airport

He said that the airport is a sexually inspiring place. After that, I started to see airport in a different way. Not 'Sexually inspiring' though. But I found it exciting about inspecting people in the place called 'Airport'.

When the departure gate opens, I see the most attractive sight. I used to check on the mirror before I get out of the gate whenever there was someone waiting for me. Because, when that automatic gate opens, the face people see turns out to be the most pleasurable face since people were waiting for them so anxiously. So many delays pleases me therefore. People whose waiting for the departure has this expectations and worries on their face though they already know their friend will be there soon. Then when the other finally arrives, their faces are like a child whose running for his or her mammy. I also get to see some people who is greeting their bosses. They almost crawl to their highness and get their cart most of time. And the one who seems to be 'the boss' just walks with his arrogant attitude. Attitude! this is one very important thing you should have in the airport. Without this, you cannot really enjoy the airport. Everyone who is a heck of 'somewhere' is in this place. No, even though you are not a heck of something, you wouldn't want to act rustic here. Indeed, talking about attitude, I cannot exclude the beauty of flight attendents and police officers with their cool uniforms. Seeing them walking down the hallway, reminds me of the catwalk of models on their runway. Attitude, Gucci, Prada, Hills and pride. Airport is full of these metaphysical things.

I, of course, wish to walk there proudly being a heck of something. I might like the airport because of this enviness. But I want to make it clear here that I feel satisfactory ahead of inferiority just by seating there. But what I truely wish is that I could catwalk the hallway with my ragged rockstar jeans, white tight t shirts showing my nipples proudly and with my ipod in my ears. That is my ideal catwalk in the airport.

Fate

Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions.
You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm isn't something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside of you. So all you can do is give in toit. Step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn't get in, and walk through it, step by step. There's no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverished bones. That's the kind of sandstorm you need to imagine.

And you really will have to make it through that violent, mataphysical, symbolic storm. No matter how metaphysical or symbolic it might be, make no mistake about it: it will cut through flesh like a thousand razor blades. People will bleed there, and you will bleed too. Hot, red blood. You will have that blood in yout hands. And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm is all about.

Memories

The War ended very long time ago,
and memory naturally degenerates as the year goes by.
Memorries and thoughts change and age, just as people do.
But certain thoughts can never age,
and certain memories can never fade...

Secretos por mi

1. I have about 20000000won in my own check account I have been earnd and saved so far.
2. I have some weird alergiclike things in my arm, back and butt
3. I had a nose surgeryd for rhinitis.
4. I have a serious digesting problem.
5. I have a polycystic ovarian syndrome
6. I didn't eat dinner since I was 15. People eat to live. I should not eat to live.
7. I was a nerd till high school year. Now some calls me bitch and I like it.
8. I still study a lot when everyone's asleep

9. I've always had the best grades all my life.
10.I have more boyfriends than girl friends
11. I'm not a virgin.

12. I'm a bit a control freak.

13. I started to learn alphabets when I was 15.
14. I never cry in front of others but I cry alone
15. I like crying though. I get surprised when I get to have tears falling down. 'cus

I rarely get emotional
16. I had a panic disorder. I still sometimes do.
17. I don't drink just for my belly but I love gin tonic,sake,Moet champagne, and Margarita
18. I've acted as a blind, mentally disabled, orphan, ballerina, a princess, and the queen
19. I speak 2 languages fluently and I understand 4 more languages.
20. I cannot swim
21. I have friends from more than 10 countries.
22. I can dance hiphop, ballet, traditional korean dance, tap, jazz, modern dance, and salsa
23. I do believe in God but I don't have a religion.
24. I feel free from doing dangerous things.
25. I think I can never get married.I don't know..
26. I do most of things alone. I enjoy it. but I feel lonely everytime.
27. I think guys are hot when they cook, play musics and play basketball
28. I love both man and woman. They are beautiful.
29. I'm crazy for latinos, nuts, beans, coffee, high places,Natalie Portman, Paulo Cohelo, Murakami Haruki, Radiohead, Velvet underground, cats, butterflies, Movies, Dancing, chicken, eggs, black, hot pink, green, red, vampire, jazz, computer, cool girls, independence, trips to abraod, room and myself.
30. I don't like school. and kids
31. I feel more comfortable with strangers.
32. But I hate when ppl get too talkative. 
33. I barely have fight with others.
34. I believe in horoscope, vempire, and mummies
35. I always want to leave early.
36. I wanted to work for UN. not any more. I dont have to be united anyways.
37. I wanted to be a bartender. I did for a part time job. But I quited in 4days.
38. I get a massage which costs 1000000won for 4times a wk.
39. my petronous is a cat. 
40. I used smoke on the roof of my aprtment at night inspecting guy in 3rd window from the top of the other aprtment.

Out of electricity

She suddenly asked me to hold her
"Why?"
"To charge my batteries," she said"My body has run out of electricity. I haven't been able to sleep for days now. The minute i get to sleep I wake up, and then I can't get back to sleep. I can't think. When I get like that, somebody has to charge my batteries. Otherwise, I can't go on living. The problem is now. I'm out of electricity now..."

Runaway

Everything tells me that I am about to make a wrong decision, but making mistakes is just part of life. What does the world want of me? Does it want me to take no risks, to go back to where I came from because I didn't have the courage to say "yes" to life? Being Dangerous,I feel free from those attitude sometimes. CourageMotivationHope and Love. To find those,i'm maybe trying to run away.

Autumn in NY

Will:This isn't right.. you... you are...
Chalotte: young.
Will: Yes, and I am..
Chalotte: old.
Will: older
Chalotte: much older
Will: Alright. Much older. The point is... I can't put this off. But I genuinely like you.
I want to be clear from the start. So, there's no confusion later on. okay?
What I want to say to you is that..
All I am able to offer you.. is this.
what we have right now. Nothing more..until it ends. what I mean is...
we have no future.
Chalotte: I know. I'm sick.
Will: What do you mean?
Chalotte: It's my heart. Nobody even thought I'd last this long.
I could've put off telling you but..
I genuinely like you.
I wanted to be clear right from the start. SO there's no confusion later

The Truth2

I was just home watching the movie “the Day after Tomorrow”. I’ve seen this movie several times and I haven’t felt this way as I was today. The title got into my mind first of all. “Tomorrow”… Tomorrow could mean just tomorrow. But it also could mean a future. Perhaps it was because I fear it so much.

I always fear tomorrow. It scares me. Perhaps this is the reason why I obsessed so much about the past. And I sometimes obsessed to the horoscope too out of security. But there is no prevention for the future. Just being in the present is the best way for the future. And not trying the best for the present explains why I fear future so much.

I had another thought. What if the dooms day comes? Would I really runaway to him as I was writing to my truth or dare questions? I was wrong. I would stay with my mother. I cannot leave without her. And a love for him, I’ve never expected, is getting colder. I don’t like to love alone. I can’t love alone. He cannot be with me when I am really suffering. I really cannot sure. What do I really want from him? This is one of those reasons I fear future too.

I ; the weirdo, send back a love that comes and cannot be loved from the love I give. And this ongoing game is playing again and again.

The Truth1

One very nice thing you miss in the early morning is this calm and bitter sweet coffee moment. It feels great to have this relaxing time when everyone else is so busy to dress up and rush to their workplace. You are perhaps falling asleep at this time of the day. It felt great to talk with you again. I have missed it very much. You don’t know how much I suffered after I left you. It’d been about a month since then.. But I cannot stop thinking about you.

To be honest, I tried to find other men. I tried to run away from you. I was a fool. You have affected me too much. Things I see, I listen and I feel… Everything reminds me of you. I now listen to rock music especially Radiohead a lot. I’m still reading the book you gave me. And that is good thing I swear.. very nice change in me.

I left you because I wasn’t brave enough to be abandoned by you someday. That is one thing I always fear in relationships. People I was close to always left me first. Even they hurt me. So I always end up leaving them fisrt. But thoughts of you had me to have guts and curiosity.
We still both know very little about each other. We barely talked. I first approached to you just out of curiosity and I assume that you did too. Then, at the right time when I was suffering from mental disease called panic disorder, you saved me. I always shout out loud that I am strong. I act like I am promiscuous. But I was a coward who was always hiding feelings inside and scared to step outside. Then you freed me. One kiss that night became big wings for my heart.

I’m now working harder and studying harder. And it is just to meet you someday. Because I have realized that I should level up myself to have a great man like you. I want to be with you. I do not expect much though. There is certain fate for everyone. Even if this won’t happen, at least having a feeling of love for someone is good for me.

Miss you and love you almost for the first time real in my life.
J to A

Closer

ALICE: I don't love you anymore.

DAN: Since when?

ALICE: Now. Just now. I don't want to lie. Can't tell the truth, so it's over.

DAN: It doesn't matter. I love you. None of it matters.

ALICE: Too late. I don't love you anymore. Goodbye.

ALICE: Here's the truth, so now you can hate me. Larry fucked me all night. I enjoyed it. I came. I prefer you. Now go.

DAN: I knew that. He told me.ALICE: You knew?!

DAN: I needed to hear it from you.

ALICE: Why?

DAN: Because he might have been lying. I had to hear it from you.

ALICE: I would never have told you, because I know you would have never forgived me.

DAN: I would. I have.

ALICE: Why did he tell you?DAN: Because he's a bastard.

ALICE: How could he?

DAN: Because he wanted this to happen.

ALICE: But why test me?

DAN: Because I'm an idiot.

ALICE: Yes. I would have loved you... forever. Now, please go.

DAN: Don't do this, Alice. Please, talk to me.

ALICE: I am talking. Fuck off.DAN: I'm sorry. You misunderstand! I didn't mean to.

ALICE: Yes you did.DAN: I love you!

ALICE: Where?!DAN: What?!

ALICE: Show me! Where is this love? I... I can't see it, I can't touch it. I can't feel it. I can hear it. I can hear some words, but I can't do anything with your easy words. Whatever you say is too late.

DAN: Please, don't do this!

ALICE: Done.DAN: Why did you fuck him?

ALICE: I wanted to.

DAN: Why?

ALICE: I desired him.

DAN: Why?

ALICE: You weren't there!

DAN: Why him?

ALICE: He asked me nicely.

DAN: You're a liar.

ALICE: So?

DAN: Who are you?!

ALICE: I'm no one!